Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
