you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
