It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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