May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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