you're like a bully in the Christmas story
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
