There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
This beer is not sobering me up at all
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
