I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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