After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Randomize
