I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
wow bdsm is so cute
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
