nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Ketchup is God's man juice
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
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