Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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