so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
