i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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