Fine. I'll sleep in my office
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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