My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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