at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
We need to rekindle our bromance
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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