I wish I only lived at night.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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