i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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