we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
