Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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