I bet he comes in French.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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