i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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