can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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