Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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