you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I got inside last night via doggy door
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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