i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
