how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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