you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
