Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
I'm really busy with my period
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