Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
