don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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