She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
