my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
