This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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