Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
