I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Cover your peen. We're going out.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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