I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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