end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
