now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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