If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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