Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
