her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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