Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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