i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
