Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
