Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
