I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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