I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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