My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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