you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
