Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
