In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I have post one night stand depression
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
