I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
