i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
