i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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