Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
